The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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