I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
