you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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