She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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