I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.