Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?