my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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