and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this just has baby written all over it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
