eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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