I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...