I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
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Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet