Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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