Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
