I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
