Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
