Did you just see the Batmobile???
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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