lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
