i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I currently don't understand fingers.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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