I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
