just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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