I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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