I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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