My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
