It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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