If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
