when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
