Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
