The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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