I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
