my phone needs a breathalizer
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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