hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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