today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
vagina is talking i cant
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
