Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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