Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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