just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
