haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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