I should be sponsored by Trojan
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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