She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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