I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
