dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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