my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
