Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
