I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
