Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
