saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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