Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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