at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
