Swine flu is the new snow day.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
