The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
