dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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