I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
