I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
