My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
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he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."