Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
