I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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