I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
