Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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