its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
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Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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